How do you gain resilience? I think i have none, and I need it so bad.
All of the good things I've blogged are still true, and so much more. God has poured out so many good things over our family and we are loving our new home and town even more than we did at the beginning.
But again, storms rage in my extended family and i am struggling to keep my head above the water. Part of this is the hormones of being 25 weeks pregnant with our eighth little one (one huge blessing!), but part of it is just weariness that comes from vacillating between anger and deep, deep sorrow. And then anger at the family members who have "destroyed my peace", followed by guilt and shame at not being able to be a support or a good friend in this situation. I just want it all to go away. And i feel bad about that. I feel like i did as a teenager... Uncomfortable, disconnected, broken and desperate for escape.
Tommy Walker wrote a song i play a lot. Honestly, not a lot of other songs appeal to me right now.
Lord, You are my hiding place
Come now and cover me
You are my safety
When storms are raging
Surrounding me
With songs of deliverance
Come and surround me now
I hide myself in Thee
I hide myself in Thee
I hide myself in Thee
I hide myself in Thee
Psalm 35 made me cry. T opened my Bible for me and said "read this." without even really looking and it was so pertinent.
"27 Let them shout for joy, and be glad,
that favor my righteous cause:
yea, let them say continually,
Let the LORD be magnified,
which hath pleasure in the prosperity of his servant.
28 And my tongue shall speak of thy righteousness
and of thy praise all the day long."
My Father will bring me through. I know this. So glad T will push me into His arms when i am sorely distracted by my sorrow.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Recalculating Part II
Friday, September 30, 2011
Postures
Abortion hurts families. And the dissolution of the family is one reason abortion has increased to the incredible rate it has. Did you know that close to a quarter of all babies conceived in Canada will be aborted? And that the rate within the church is roughly identical to the rate of abortion for people outside the church?
These things should never be. And my sister and I are praying Malachi 4:6 over our families, our extended families, and the families of our nation, and the world. (nothing like setting your sights high?)
Monday, September 26, 2011
More joy...
We are thoroughly enjoying our new church. In ways i never would have imagined.
It's liturgical, which Travis finds reverent and thus he appreciates very much.
It's joyful, full of quick tempo praise, which i love.
It's leadership is balanced, and open, and friendly.
The people are open and accepting and kind.
Our children are so happy here. So are we.
We were looking and hoping for so much less. We had never heard of this denomination, although i have probably a dozen books by "leading lights" of this family of churches. I had never really considered a Reformed church, and yet... here we are - and it fits so well...
When we moved here, i threw out a bunch of shoes i had that had never fit, but i used because finding ones that fit was impossible (i wear a size five, which is one size below what is sold in our previous town). And T took me out and bought me some size five Dr. Marten shoes. They fit *me* perfectly. I don't have to wear two pairs of socks, or try sticky tape inside, or extra insoles :) - It's effortless, and comfortable, and i love to look at them, and to wear them.
I feel the same way about where we are right now. God is so good. I'm ready to see what He was doing in the past five years - and i know it was good. And i am just enjoying each day, each week, here in this new chapter.
I hope if anyone is reading this who has had the same troubles as we have - that this encourages you. That this is possible. I was very close to thinking that maybe there just was no place for us in the Body of Christ. That we would have to just let every Christian reject us, follow Jesus, and have fellowship in Heaven.
I'm reading a book right now called Face to Face: Meditations on Friendship and Hospitality by Steve Wilkins. I feel like those "muscles" have atrophied - and it was so affirming to read the beginning where he shares his convictions about the importance of relationship.
My mom once said "it hurts to be tolerated" - i felt like if i could just be tolerated, that would be enough. But i want to pursue the image of God. I want to *be* a friend, and to enjoy Godly friendship. Hopefully He will grow me in this, too!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Jinx
But i've still taken my time in writing on this blog, and it's not because things are bad :) but because God has poured out His favour on me, and i am still reeling, a little bit, inside...
For five years I've really struggled, and tried to fix it all on my own, to hear God's voice and find the good in the situation. But for so long, it was just hard. Very hard. Very lonely, and with no hope of any change. And then change came, and it only made the situation far worse.
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Sunday, July 17, 2011
On virtual religion - lessons from the world of gaming
This morning I read an article from wired.com that made me think.
I don't want to reproduce the entire article, so here is a link to the original, and it's well worth the few minutes to read all three pages.
Basically, an atheist game programmer was challenged to compete in an event during which the theme was religion (actually, Bigger Than Jesus).
What he came up with is part performance art and part psychology experiment.
But as i mused on his choices and the resultant chaos, it came to me that maybe the flaw was something that modern churches are doing as well, in a completely unconcious way.
See, Jason Rohrer's nine commandments for using his game began with him handing the thumb drive to a complete stranger, chuckling onstage that he couldn't give it to a friend.
But laying aside the aspect of the divinity of Christ, every major religion has had it's foundation laid precisely on , in the beginning, "giving it to friends". Maybe they were called followers, students, or disciples, but in the final analysis, the sacred truth was entrusted to those who had lived, walked, eaten with and conversed with at length, their master.
If Rohrer hadn't been an atheist, that part may have come to him more intuitively, that the game should spread from friend to friend...
And this is the point at which our churches seem to have become adrift.
As a teen and young adult, i felt a deep sense of belonging everytime i walked into a church, no matter what town or denomination. I knew that these were my people, my brothers and sisters. I knew i belonged.
But i think we are seeing the rise of a completely different system, one in which pastors and leaders are not identified and mentored, but one where whoever wants to can pay their money and come out with a piece of paper and get a job preaching.
I understand the concerns re: purity of doctrine, but like all discipline, retaining and owning information, skills, and beliefs come most readily from an environment of intimate friendship.
It's why we have one on one piano lessons, thesis advisors, parents, why apprentices have one overseer, tutoring and counsellors or psychiatrists who work in intimate one on one or small groups where trust and accountability flow both ways.
Ji, the stranger to whom the game was entrusted, proved to be someone who instead took months to pass it on, attempted to sell access to the game, and released videos in which he pretended to destroy the game. Would Rohrer's best friend have done the same? Or would the outcome have degenerated to the same level by the time it had changed hands a few more times?
Christianity is not a game, and God's Word assures us that it will "not return void" but i think this story emphasizes the importance that true relationships can have in maintaining a healthy, true community of believers.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Trust me
It's midnight and i have a Big Day tomorrow. But my body has chosen now to be the time to pour out all my cares and polish them, examine them, make them precious. The upcoming move, my children's future marriages (will they really ever grow up to be loving, honorable , true, adults?), how on earth will i ever homeschool highschool? And a hundred things i can do nothing about.
I have had very little time to write music lately but i did write this song. Wanna hear the lyrics?
Trust in me.
That's it. That's all i've got. It 's got verse, chorus, bridge - but only three words.
And i'm talking to You, here in the dark, at midnight, grinning in that "I've got a secret" way - i hear You, singing it back to me, smoothing my forehead and pouring sleep over my tired eyes.
And I will.
Zephaniah 3:17 "The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing."
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Conference encouragement
It's 4.5 hours drive just to get there, and the drive alone, with my big boy and no distractions was worth the price of admission - i so love who he is growing into, and love listening as he figures everything out...
I've told my husband that this is my "professional development" and he's agreed to make it happen, to the best of his ability (any Above Rubies conferences are also on the radar :)... i need to be encouraged sometimes that what i'm doing has value...)
Anyway, i was so excited because the keynote speakers this year were Clay and Sally Clarkson. Now, a long time ago, over a decade ago, i was a young mom with a very active 3 year old and a new little baby in my belly, and i attended my first homeschool conference, in Vancouver. The keynote speakers there were the Clarksons, and Dr. Gordon Neufeld, who wrote Hold Onto Your Kids.
Those sessions were absolutely fundamental to me as a mother, as a homeschooler, and as someone commissioned in the ministry of motherhood.
So this year, i was excited to hear them again, after all these years (and fruit!) and compare what i'd done with what i'd heard.
And you know, with so much of what they said, i realized that i had really internalized a lot of what i'd heard and made it my own, with no regrets at all. i'm so glad that they were there when i needed mentoring - they were such a HUGE blessing to me!
But i noticed something - there seemed to be a brokenness, a humility, a... sadness? During the sessions, they shared, briefly, some of the challenges they'd had, including being part of a church split, feeling misunderstood by the leaders of their church, and i knew God's hand was in this.
I think when things go sideways in local Body fellowship, it's so easy to do one of two things - either completely blame the other person, or just take it all on your own shoulders and let it weigh you down.
Seeing these people whose fruit i have seen, whose words i have tested with scripture, who have encouraged me so much to search the scriptures and find my fulfillment and purpose in Jesus - that they have had the same disappointments and challenges as I have lately, was paradoxically encouraging.
Not that i wish challenges and trials on anyone, but i felt that burden lifting a little bit.
I am still so disappointed with the situation we have here in this tiny mountain town. So brokenhearted and helpless. BUT i do know that God is in control, and I've felt His guidance so much these past few months, and this was just one more way that I heard Him saying "I see you, Stephanie..."
He does. He sees, He hears, He cares. He knows my needs, and the needs of my little ones. He will provide what we need in order to grow us to be the people He wants us to be.