Saturday, February 18, 2012

Recalculating Part II

How do you gain resilience? I think i have none, and I need it so bad.

All of the good things I've blogged are still true, and so much more. God has poured out so many good things over our family and we are loving our new home and town even more than we did at the beginning.

But again, storms rage in my extended family and i am struggling to keep my head above the water. Part of this is the hormones of being 25 weeks pregnant with our eighth little one (one huge blessing!), but part of it is just weariness that comes from vacillating between anger and deep, deep sorrow. And then anger at the family members who have "destroyed my peace", followed by guilt and shame at not being able to be a support or a good friend in this situation. I just want it all to go away. And i feel bad about that. I feel like i did as a teenager... Uncomfortable, disconnected, broken and desperate for escape.

Tommy Walker wrote a song i play a lot. Honestly, not a lot of other songs appeal to me right now.

Lord, You are my hiding place
Come now and cover me
You are my safety
When storms are raging
Surrounding me
With songs of deliverance
Come and surround me now

I hide myself in Thee
I hide myself in Thee
I hide myself in Thee
I hide myself in Thee

Psalm 35 made me cry. T opened my Bible for me and said "read this." without even really looking and it was so pertinent.

"27 Let them shout for joy, and be glad,

that favor my righteous cause:
yea, let them say continually,
Let the LORD be magnified,
which hath pleasure in the prosperity of his servant.
28 And my tongue shall speak of thy righteousness

and of thy praise all the day long."

My Father will bring me through. I know this. So glad T will push me into His arms when i am sorely distracted by my sorrow.

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