I've been thinking/praying a lot lately.
If you are my real life friend, or on any lists with me, you'll know a little bit, but just to recap - since Christmas day, we've been sick - i've had pneumonia, the little ones have had human meta pneumovirus (and still not over it), at least two different kinds of stomach flu, pinkeye... head colds, flu...
Our dryer broke down, then our washer. Then our laptop, and our stove is not behaving either. Plus we need a new tranny.
None of these things were surprises to me, because i did have advance warning - you know, how God just kind of lets you know "there's more to come... just be prepared"... In my case, that helps. And just so you know the ending - God is faithful - we are all down but not out, beautiful friends happened to be replacing their washer and dryer - and the tranny still has some use in it, for now... We have everything we need.
BUT it does lead to thoughts like these.
I've been focussing on "being a friend of God" and you know how some friends it's just sooooo easy - you show up, hang out, laugh, and it's all good? And other friends you have to work at it more - you have to be more careful with your words, or maybe you don't enjoy the same things, so you'll do the things you don't like so much, just because you do value their friendship - but it's not as easy? Well, God is like the ultimate hard friend, i think.
This is what i know. He wants to be my friend. He wants me to know Him. He wants me to run to Him when i have troubles, and to share my joy. But my "skin on" friends - if i ask them for help that is easily within their power to do - and they say no - i will quit asking them. That's just normal. So why does God want me to come to Him, even though He knows He will say no? I've been asking for a reprieve from the sickness for months now - and it's been pretty bad. I've been pretty despondent - especially when baby decided she didn't like taking her asthma medication four times a day nor the eye ointment four times a day. Eight times a day i was holding that tiny little girl on my lap, or on the floor, holding the air chamber up to her face, while she cried and tried to get away, or while she screamed "My eyes! my eyes!"...
I know it could be so much worse, but those days i was just shaking, broken, by the time T came home from work. And if He did listen, and healed us all, i know deep inside i'd be thinking "then why didn't you save my little baby?"...Because I've been more desperate than this before...
Thing is, it is NOTHING to Him to fix this... And i know, i know, i know... He has a plan for us. I know this deep inside. And what is almost worse - i know that every time we go through something like this - something that has "the whiff of brimstone" about it - that i come out changed, and with a deeper knowledge of who He is, a deeper faith, a renewed heart.
But while it's going on, all i can see is that my own strength is totally gone, i have no human refuge, and my one Friend that i know could fix it, won't...
I've talked before about my two best friends - my husband's deep, calm love. And my God's crazy, wild, reckless love... And somedays i'm thankful most that God did give me the man He did, to be that comfort in my life.
I wonder sometimes if "friends" is an appropriate paradigm to use with God. Sometimes, yes, it seems perfect - when i'm in constant prayer, and He's there, and showing me new things in His Word - and sometimes it seems like trying to be friends, like the Little Prince by St. Exupery - with a wild thing, a fox, an alien, something just so utterly *different* and *beyond* and *trans-everything-i-know*.
But friend is what i know, and some days i hang on to that.
Jesus loves me, this i know
for the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
they are weak