Monday, October 12, 2009

Regrets, i've had a few...

the internet monk had a great article lately on regrets -

I think what grabbed me so hard by the throat was his talking about his regret for spending so much of his life in what he considered to be the "only way" to have a ministry, which was in a pulpit, or as a youth pastor, instead of accepting that with the gifts God had given him, public education and sharing Jesus as the opportunity arose would have been (in hindsight) a better fit. If he hadn't been so scared to be wrong.

This post really resonated with me. Just the last month i've really felt God tugging at me, saying it really is okay to lay down all the things that entangle me, that discourage, that hold me back from rejoicing in freedom and instead try over and over to tie me up. That maybe going to church out of the "fear of man" is sin, especially if i choose that over faith in who God is, and my ability to hear His voice...

In one part of his post, he wrote:

A healthy Christian person must find a place where they can be themselves, and that place won’t be identical to our definition of “success.” Even if we succeed, the experiences that bring make us who we really are won’t be found in the spotlight of success. They will be found in God’s version of our wilderness.

That place may be a nursing home, or a tiny college, or a farm or a forgotten mission to the poor. It may be in another universe from the latest conference or well known ministry. It may have no potential for anything but small acts done with great love. If that is so, you should embrace it as your place. Yours, and a gift to you.

God has placed me in a life where the soil for growing a good and useful spirituality is plentiful. There is the rich soil of community and relationships, and there is the occasional fertilizer of human failures and disappointment. In this soil, I will grow. I will not be an object to be seen and heard. I will be a person, growing into a human image of the God we know in Jesus.

That's what i want - not to *be* anything, but to be a faithful woman, hearing from God and putting it into practice - no matter what it looks like. I really think God is less about what i do, and way more about who i am becoming...

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