Recalculating... recalculating...

My sister lent me her GPS when i had a specialist appointment in the Big City.  Usually my husband drives when we are there, but this time the appointment was during the day so my hero (pregnant) sister took all seven of my children, plugged the GPS in my supervan and explained how to use it.

Of course, i got  hopelessly lost and had to ask for advice three times from real people (once in a psychiatric clinic - oops!) - Anyway, i finally got there...

but what was neat about the GPS was, when i took the wrong turn it didn't punch me in the shoulder and say "you dummy!" - it just said in a really calm voice "recalculating, recalculating" and then resumed trying to get me to the place i was supposed to be at...

That's where i am right now.  Not with God - although i know after we lost baby Charis, that is *exactly* how i felt - just kind of numb, and recalculating, and desperately trying to keep driving.  But things have changed for us in the whole outward/Body of Christ set up - and we're... recalculating.

pray for us?

Being transformed, and patient

i'm having a talk lately about sunday school with our pastor (although you're not allowed to say Sunday school anymore - it's called Transformers, and if you say the S word, you have to pay?)

anyway, i wrote a long email about my hopes for my children, the books we've used, what i think works (basically, organized thought and theology and care by the community of believers for all the children in the church and out of it)...

and then T sent them all to Transformers anyway while i was on the stage, helping lead worship - which is fine, i guess...  I talked to the organizer and she told me they had a great devotional planned, but none of my children could remember any devotional - just the games and candy - if you go, you get candy - they set up a little table in the foyer and you only get it if you went to Sunday School, i mean... Transformers.  It is very hard for a family with a lot of little people, to just opt out. Very very hard.

I'm so worried about church wrecking my children for God.  Telling them that "it's enough" to do what they, the church does.  

I don't have any answers, but my heart says to share my own journey with my children as i walk it, to confess sin and share epiphanies and worship whole heartedly - and hope that they seek out truth and ignore the fluff and pap and commercialism.  

i think we are afraid to say we don't know when it comes to God - and yet, how can we know?  He is so big - we are so small - we need to leave room for mystery, for faith.

And it's hard to judge fruit when it's still summer.  And trust that harvest is on its way.  I just keep praying, and being who i feel God calling me to be - and i don't want to substitute something inauthentic for something natural and organic that God may do through the structure He's instituted of a family, teaching their own little ones.