Spirit of Heaviness

I'm so thankful for a childhood filled with scripture songs. We are at a church where we sing mostly hymns from the Cantus Christi, or choruses by Jamie Soles, in which he mainly sets large portions of scripture to music. It's been a blessing to my littles who often fall asleep with one of his CDs playing in their bedrooms.

One song that is on my mind today is Beauty for Ashes:

He gave me beauty for ashes

The oil of joy for mourning

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness

That we might be trees of righteousness

A planting of the Lord

That He might be glorified

-Robert Manzano

The Bible passage Mr Manzano quoted is one of my favourites -

The Year of the Lord's Favor

Isaiah 61

1The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

2To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

3To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

4And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.

5And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers.

6But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: men shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves.

7For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them.

8For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.

9And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed.

10I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.

11For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

A friend recently reminded me of those verses, indirectly. She was counselling a mutual frind who was having trouble with anxiety, and reminded her that the Bible speaks about a spirit of heaviness, and a spirit of fear, neither of which are from God, and both of which should be rebuked.

God has been unfolding this truth to me in my daily Bible meditations, and it was amazing to me that I had overlooked the spiritual side of my struggles lately. I am still struggling with my parents' divorce, and the huge huge aftereffects that totally transformed the landscape of my life.

I have been hearing His voice, promising freedom, but panicking that it might not look how i wanted it to look.

But i am feeling that freedom, and i am learning to ask my Father to lift that spirit of heaviness from me when i feel it descend in a heavy coat of sighs and settle.

I am so grateful for friends who will speak the words of life to me!

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Thoughts about death and mourning

Yeah, nobody is dying here...

But my sister is writing a novel about losing  a baby, and i just read the sample Wisdom Booklet online, whose theme is "Mourning Requires Visualization", and i guess i'm just thinking...

When we lost our little baby, i drove around, and wished i had someone who would understand.  My husband was distressed, partly just for me, i know.

Much later, when his grandfather died, it gave me comfort to picture my little one, safe in her great-Opa's arms.  It seemed unthinkable to me that Opa could be there and not find her and love her.

and i felt God laugh and me and say "what about Me?"

Of course, God is there, and she is safe with Him.

But this is what I think was behind my thoughts.  the saints in the book of Revelation, who are beneath His throne.  Begging to be revenged and given justice and satisfaction, and God is telling them... wait.

That doesn't jibe with what i want to believe about Heaven, which is that once we die, there is a timelapse moment, and it's all over for everyone else, and only good things happen.  Time passes for those martyrs in Heaven, and even they, up there, are waiting....  That makes me catch my breath.  Because what of my tiny one, my never held treasure?  Is she waiting, too?

Mourning does require visualization.  I agree with Mr. Gothard.  It gave me comfort to visualize my little one in her Opa's arms, and also in the arms of Jesus.  But those other visual pictures that come from the Bible, and therefore must be true, are less comforting.

I wrote a song when i was away at music college, confident in His love and leading.  It was a watershed year for me and for my faith - where i really experienced God's hand and presence, felt His breath, and was changed for the rest of my life.  In that song i wrote "when in times of honest need, have i ever felt deceived? God is wisdom, God is good.  I can trust my Father's love'

And i know it's true, i know He is all of those things - and i know i can trust Him.  But I also know that what looks like need to me He doesn't always see that way - so many times it's been my attitude, rather than my situation that He's adjusted.  I have not found in God a comfortable theology to lay back and grow fat in - rather, it is something alive and active, something challenging and iconoclastic, as He breaks the idols i didn't know i held, and makes me think in a different way.

I am so much less likely to have an immediate judgment than i was, and open to learning.  But sometimes i long for the simple visual.  And when it comes to my sin, He is very able to give me that visual so that i can mourn with Godly mourning over my own shortcomings.  In withholding a simple picture of my child, i wonder if that's His way of standing in the way, so that instead of sorrow, i see only Him.